Tag Archives: Friendship

How to break away from being a wallflower, even if there are some perks

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Along with the rest of the world I am beyond excited to see the film adaptation of Stephen Chbosky’s novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. But as much as Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Ezra Miller and the rest of the amazing cast make me want to embrace my inner wallflower, of getting lost in my own head and people watching (admit it you always find yourself staring at people,) I can’t help but think how awesome it is to get involved with people, activities and life in general.  As my old high school leadership slogan went, “No Deposit, No Return”. (Wow something from high school actually stuck!) 

Here are my tips on how to break away from being a wallflower, make friends and try cool new things.

1. Go ahead and say hi to the person sitting next to you. Ask them a question about your class as an icebreaker.  Chances are they don’t want to be sitting alone in class either.

2.  Put down the phone! Don’t pretend to be preoccupied to try and avoid awkward interactions with people.  You are actually making it more awkward!  Who knows they could be an instant friendship or your soul mate! ;)

3.  Get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there. Join a club you might never have thought of joining, take an art class, volunteer, or actually talk to your co-workers.  It will pay off.

4.  Start slow. Maybe give up one of your TV shows a week and rekindle a lost friendship over coffee.  You can always watch the show later on demand but it’s easier to rekindle a friendship before too much time passes.

5.  Love certain books, television shows, genres, sports, singing etc?  It’s a lot easier to open up and talk to people with similar interests when you share passions.  Leave the comfort of your bedroom and check out events happening in your local city, at cafes, bookstores or open mic nights.

6.  While at a party, do you find yourself sitting alone on the couch watching everyone else?  Parties are a great place to talk to somebody new because most of the time everyone is talking in groups that are easy to join in.  Also, people are having fun at parties so they are a lot more welcoming to new faces. Join that group dancing to music instead of sitting alone eating chips.

After all, the more you put into something, the more you’ll get out of it.

“No Deposit, No Return”

When You’re the Annoying Friend

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Confession time––you know that irksome, mildly neurotic (and always referencing the fact that yes, they’re mildly neurotic), thinks-it’s-cute-but-it-really-isn’t friend that we all seem to have at one time or another? Well…that’s me.

I send way too many text messages, have a penchant for being incredibly loud, self-flagellating, and yeah, I’m that asshole who thinks that they’ve got a knack for un-subtle comedy.

Sound familiar? Because that might be you, too. Have you been noticing that your social invitations are dwindling? That your close buds seem to be keeping you at arm’s length? That you’re even starting to get tired of your own shtick?

If you have answered yes to at least one of these questions, you may just be an “annoying friend”.

“Annoying” friends come in all shapes and sizes. It could be the drama queen who always needs someone to fix her crises, the compulsive over sharer, an overbearing know it all, or just a flake. For those of you who are quick to identify the people in your life as “annoying”––keep in mind that for the most part, us social irritators don’t mean any harm, it’s just the way we’re wired. But still, don’t give us a free pass for our behavior if it’s compromising your happiness in any way.

That being said, I’m not here to tell you how to deal with your guileless pal.

There are so many self help guides written for people who wish to get rid of their “toxic” friends, or their “annoying” friends, but when it comes to being the annoying friend––having the entire internet (and not just your friends list) dread your presence can get pretty alienating. Here’s what you can do if you’re starting to feel the sting of social isolation.

1. Practice radical self-awareness. Some people are born so cripplingly self aware that they don’t need to practice this first step––they need to find a good therapist; however, if you’ve been accused of being careless, or thoughtless on numerous occasions, it might be a good idea to develop some self-concept. If you don’t already keep a diary, start doing that. In some entries, try writing your day from the perspective of one of your friends, your significant other, your siblings or parents. You’ll quickly learn what habits you need to break, and where you can improve.

2. Discern whether it’s really you, or just them. Everyone has a limit to what they can tolerate from others. You may have unfortunately hit that person’s limit. If it’s a group of people that you’re on the outs with, that may be a sign that it’s time to make some changes, or maybe find some new friends who appreciate your idiosyncrasies as they are.

3. Ask a friend. Sometimes just asking straight up for an opinion works wonders.

4. Think before you share. Some people may find the inner workings of your bowel movements to be utterly fascinating. These people are called gastroenterologists. Your best friend doesn’t need to know that you’ve been incapable of taking a shit for the past four days. So put the iPhone down.

5. Stop with the self-involvement, already. Well, I mean, not entirely––because who else will indulge you? But, if you’re finding that your friendship revolves solely around you––it’s time that you started putting in a little extra effort with your pal.

6. Spend some time with yourself. Especially if you’re sad, or upset about something. Rather than verbally vomiting, try making a hospitable place for yourself inside of your thoughts. Try sitting still with them for a day or two before putting them out on full blast for everyone to hear.

7. Get a hobby. You may make some new friends, and it gives you something else to do.

8. Change what you can change, accept what you can’t. After all, you don’t need to become a whole new person––just someone who’s aware of how their actions impact others.

How to Effectively Yell at a Friend (While Saving Your Own Sanity)

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Sometimes you just have to confront a friend. Whether they’ve been careless with your feelings, or someone else’s—there may be times that you may feel tempted to yell it out. While it is indeed hilarious to come armed with “throwing wine” Real Housewives style, we can assure you that the vindication you feel in the moment will only be followed up with a big, steaming pile of regret. Sound good? We didn’t think so. So before you decide to go at it, here are a five tips on how to fight fair.

1.    Take some time to cool down after the initial incident.  Even if your response was to say “Dude, WTF?”, if it’s an issue that’s truly a point of contention in your friendship, take some time to really think about what you want to say before you do anything else.

2.    Realize that conflict is natural. Though it might be devastating in the heat of the moment, it’s perfectly okay to be at odds with your pal. As much as friendship is all about living in a certain symbiotic harmony with one another, it’s also about making sure that each of you derive strength from your bond, as well from yourselves. Often, we don’t realize when we’re being tools—but with a good friend to call you out on it, you’ll learn and grow.

3.    Put Yourself in Their Shoes. A little empathy can go a long way. For instance, if a friend blew you off—before you go all Medea on them (and their unborn children), ask a couple questions. Then gauge the appropriate level of rage.

4.    I Feel Statements.  For anyone who’s spent copious amounts of time in therapy (or watched a shitton of Oprah), framing arguments around “I feel” statements does wonders for helping the other person understand your thought process. When you do have that dreaded conversation, it comes off as less accusative. And generally, most friends won’t dismiss your feelings around a situation.

5.    Let them Talk. Usually, when we’re fighting with someone we care about, we have a tendency to construct a maudlin monologue about all of the injustices they have done to us. Though this works in the movies, very rarely does this ever pan out in real life. It’s important to maintain that your bond with your pal is built on a foundation of honest, open dialogue. If you come to a solution together, consider your friendship strengthened!

If none of this works, by all means—bring on the throwing wine.

How to take care of yourself when your friend is dealing with addiction

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Rickie Vasquez probably said it best on the TV show My So Called Life when he broke down in front of his friend’s mother: “Have you ever loved someone so much, that it like, hurt?” He was saying this about Rayanne Graff, his best friend in the entire universe. It was after Rayanne had overdosed on a ton of pills. I have friends like that, and you probably do too.

I’ve never rushed someone to the emergency room, I’ve never watched someone O.D before my eyes––but two months ago my ex-boyfriend called me high out of his mind. He had spent about eight months in this dirty, dreamy city, and had finally decided that it was a good idea to start powdering his nose. It was the second time he’d tried it; but he’d had problems with alcohol in the past––and just had an addictive personality type.

I know the signs like most people know traffic lights; he’s certainly not the first friend I’ve had like that, and he’s probably not going to be the last.

He called me in a coked-out stupor, and when I told him that what he was doing wasn’t going to lead to anything good, he hung up on me. He called me again, the same night, even drunker, and higher than before. This time? Lorazepam.

He hung up on me again, and I thought about what Rickie said. I did what I had to do, and he survived the night, but it was probably the last time I considered us chummy.

Like Rickie, I’ve spent a fair amount of time covering up for my friends, worrying for my friends, and anticipating the worst. I’ll always be available for a 3 a.m. phone call; I’d drag the empties out whenever my ex-boyfriend’s parents came to visit him at school; I’ll play look-out whenever a friend retreats to the bathroom. I’ll skip class to take care of a sick friend, and the more I hear about exploits-gone-wrong, the more I start to shake. It got so bad once that I took a week off from school, and ended up begging for extensions. If a close friend’s addiction affects you in that way, you should probably consider speaking to a counselor, a therapist, a parent, or one of your more even-keeled friends.

After that night with my ex-boyfriend, I emailed one of my favourite blog-writers for advice. The letter was mostly comprised of big, bleary-eyed key strokes. What she told me stuck: you can’t do anything to help your friend, unless you help yourself.

Yes, the concern you may feel is love, but it does no good for you, or your friend, if that love turns self-destructive. Codependency (or the inability to have relationships that are healthy, or reciprocal…as evidenced by my behavior above) is a hard label to shake, but with constant, and consistent practice, you can.

Before I delve into “practical solutions” any further, let me preface: if your friend gets drunk or high at a party? Worry, but not too much. If it starts becoming a habit, then worry. But don’t worry so much that another person’s problem takes over your own life.

Create boundaries for yourself. Being a friend or confidant to an addict requires a special amount of patience, and strength. Stuff that at sixteen or seventeen, to be completely honest, you really do not need. Don’t beat yourself up if you have to peace out on your friendship. You have to make a hard decision. The last thing you want to do is abandon your friend––but you need to establish boundaries of how you can help them, while still helping yourself. Be a sober friend, refuse to be placed in situations with them if they’re under the influence. If they violate any of the terms of your friendship, cut off contact. It’s harsh, I know, but that might be the one thing that will convince your friend to get help.

When You and a Friend Start to Drift Apart

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The way it goes when you lose a friend is just like how Nick Campbell loses his fortune in The Sun Also Rises. Gradually, then suddenly. The person who listened kindly to your 3AM rantings, who soothed your savage wounds, now seems to function primarily in the past tense.

When you do speak, it’ll be more like “Remember when we…”, or “that one time that we…” than “let’s meet here”, or “let’s go there”. 

It may not be you, it might just be you. It’s really hard to tell. When the phone calls stop, and the hang outs wane, it can seem as if your whole world is caving in.  Losing a friend is worse than any break up because it stays with you longer. Implicit in a romantic-break up is the expectation that eventually you’ll fill the void with someone else. With friendships, you’re losing something so specific that you begin to worry that you’ll never find something quite like it ever again. Lost friendships are like the crumpled receipts you keep in the bottom of your purse; you’ll forget about them for a while, but every so often you’ll rummage through. You’ll uncrinkle a small, smudged sheet and the memories will hit.

It feels really shitty, to say the least. 

Offering positive advice on how to deal, aside from the usual platitudes (you have other friends! you’ll get over it!) seems a tad disingenuous. If you’re here, you probably are looking for someone to understand. And we get it, it’s rough, and it feels like you might just vomit inside your shoes, and hide out in your room and never come out for days upon days. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel a pit in your stomach every time you see a former friend; it’s okay to want to send them email upon email asking what went wrong, how you can fix it, and telling them how much you need and love them. 

Don’t. As a veteran of many an overwrought, over-composed email, you’ll feel worse in the morning. Ditto revenge, or an e-blast. It may work out for Amanda Clarke/Emily Thorne or Blair Waldorf, but certainly not for you––the rawness you feel now will be amplified. So much of your choice of action comes from an imagined outcome, and what happens is almost never what you intended. 

Instead, feel what you feel. Realize that the loss you’re experiencing isn’t stupid, or weird, or whatever––but rather a perfectly normal reaction to a deeply upsetting event. It’s hard to say what you should do next, besides the obvious “don’t do this!” I hear that tea and crying helps. I hear that reading positivity blogs helps. Same with blaring Brand New until your ears can’t register most sound for the next hour and a half.

For me, Joan Didion, Simone Weil, and Anne Carson have been the most helpful. They might help you, but only if you’re bookish. What these literary powerhouses all have in common is their odd interaction, and near-blind acceptance of loss. Realizing that desire, and love, and the emotions that swirl around these two feelings can be a very illusory real is somehow comforting. Knowing that the loss you feel will happen to you over, and over––and maybe you’re just born with it feels, less lonely––more human. 

Image courtesy of Red Star Ink on Etsy.