Tag Archives: Friends

How to break away from being a wallflower, even if there are some perks

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Along with the rest of the world I am beyond excited to see the film adaptation of Stephen Chbosky’s novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. But as much as Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Ezra Miller and the rest of the amazing cast make me want to embrace my inner wallflower, of getting lost in my own head and people watching (admit it you always find yourself staring at people,) I can’t help but think how awesome it is to get involved with people, activities and life in general.  As my old high school leadership slogan went, “No Deposit, No Return”. (Wow something from high school actually stuck!) 

Here are my tips on how to break away from being a wallflower, make friends and try cool new things.

1. Go ahead and say hi to the person sitting next to you. Ask them a question about your class as an icebreaker.  Chances are they don’t want to be sitting alone in class either.

2.  Put down the phone! Don’t pretend to be preoccupied to try and avoid awkward interactions with people.  You are actually making it more awkward!  Who knows they could be an instant friendship or your soul mate! ;)

3.  Get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there. Join a club you might never have thought of joining, take an art class, volunteer, or actually talk to your co-workers.  It will pay off.

4.  Start slow. Maybe give up one of your TV shows a week and rekindle a lost friendship over coffee.  You can always watch the show later on demand but it’s easier to rekindle a friendship before too much time passes.

5.  Love certain books, television shows, genres, sports, singing etc?  It’s a lot easier to open up and talk to people with similar interests when you share passions.  Leave the comfort of your bedroom and check out events happening in your local city, at cafes, bookstores or open mic nights.

6.  While at a party, do you find yourself sitting alone on the couch watching everyone else?  Parties are a great place to talk to somebody new because most of the time everyone is talking in groups that are easy to join in.  Also, people are having fun at parties so they are a lot more welcoming to new faces. Join that group dancing to music instead of sitting alone eating chips.

After all, the more you put into something, the more you’ll get out of it.

“No Deposit, No Return”

When You Feel Isolated

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It’s hard not to feel paranoid. It’s hard not to feel like everyone’s staring at the layers underneath your skin. Missed calls accumulate, you begin to feel like people are purposefully ignoring you, and your inbox seems deader than a Mayan civilization. 

That feeling in the pit of your stomach? The one that feels like it’s wrenching somewhere deep between your heart and your brain? That’s the sadness talking. You may feel abnormal, you may feel like the entire world is this sunny space—everything except for you. But please let me tell you that it’s normal. 

A lot of people treat negative emotions as something that need to be stamped out as quickly as possible. Unhappiness, or the inability to feel bright and sparkly when you should, is something that we hand out quick fixes for, all too liberally. We feel like there should always be a friend to call, or an engagement to attend, or that we should always be la-la-la-la loved, because that’s what television and movies promise us. The company line is that you’re supposed to have your rag tag crew who will put up with you no matter what, for ever and ever and ever. 

It might be you, it might be them, but everyone has a limit for what they can take, and for whatever reason, you might find yourself feeling isolated from your tribe.

There’s no one set way  to deal with it.  It’s probably best if you don’t explode on people, even though you may want to. But don’t just box your negative feelings away. Talk to a pet, your diary, or even your parents, because they may just understand exactly where you’re coming from. 

Try something new. A hobby, a sport, a new restaurant (yes, you can go to restaurants alone!), or even a new book. The goal is to shock and scare yourself out of the complacency and loneliness you feel.

Paint your nails. Master the hand that you’re shaky with, or even try mastering that ombre nail art technique.

You’re probably not as isolated as you think. Often, we feel that there’s a group of friends that we just HAVE to be friends with, for whatever reason. Chances are, these people aren’t making you happy and vice versa. But you may have some other friends you have been neglecting who really miss you. Find your Betty Finn, Veronica Sawyer.

Go for a run or a swim. It’s like punching air or water. Seriously.

Just be. So often, it’s like we need a quick fix for any intolerable emotion, but sometimes if you just exist in your loneliness for five seconds, radically accept it, it may just evaporate from whence it came.

When you need some space

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Sometimes you need space. Sometimes hanging with the same people becomes too much to handle. You begin to know them well, too well in fact, and it becomes necessary to take a breather. Like clockwork, friend A will cancel on you, and friend B will forget to pay you back for dinner. It may not necessarily be at that toxic stage, but it’s beginning to grate on you.

The reasons for why don’t seem nearly important as the essential truth that yes, you need to get away, It’s hard to temporarily ice someone out without doing some lasting damage. People are fickle chemicals, under the right conditions they can become volatile. But life’s too short to feel social stress, and I guess the only person that you really owe anything to is yourself (and your mother. Unless your mother is Joan Crawford, and in that case, you’ll need another self-help article entirely). You might feel scared to say what you want to say, but chances are, life will be scarier if you don’t say it. I was walking home with a friend the other night, concerned about another social matter entirely, and she told me this little gem: “If they can’t deal with you being yourself, then you’ll always be unhappy.”

Part of being yourself is defining your boundaries, setting limits to what you will and won’t take. It may seem noble or brave (or even at times tough) to believe that you can take everything, but there comes a time when you can’t, and when that moment comes, you’ll do one of two things: implode or explode.

If you need space, sit them down, grab them a coffee (or a hot chocolate), and take a deep breath. Emphasize your desire to keep this friendship (or relationship) going. Reassure them that it isn’t over (unless it actually is), but that you need to disappear for a while to, as reality show starlets say, “just do you.” Depending on the closeness of your relationship, you may be able to (nicely!) tell your friend why you’ve decided to take a breather. Don’t forget those ‘I feel’ statements, and speaking from a place of concern, rather than a place of blame. This isn’t about telling them that they need to change, it’s about expressing that you need to take some time for yourself.

Then breathe. You’ve done the hardest part. Maybe not.

The toughest part may just be figuring out what to do next.

Image via someecards.com

How to Survive All-Girls School

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As much as we hate to say it, summer’s coming to an end. Which means it’s high time you started thinking about getting back to school. For some of you lovely ladies, this may entail going to an entirely new school—and even more exciting? You might be going to an all girls school.

Single sex schools have a reputation for being hellishly awful. Between watching Blair Waldorf scheme her way to the top of Constance Billiard and  the sympathetic coos of your friends when they find out that you’re going to one, it’s easy to feel a little depressed about your current academic situation. Trust me, I feel your pain. 

I went to an all-girls school from junior kindergarten to grade 12, and I’d like to argue that yes, some of what you heard may be true: all-girls schools are indeed competitive. Some people are high strung. Some people are baby sociopaths. But, I think that behaviour’s just a people thing, and not so much reflective of cramming a bunch of girls into a building for eight hours and forcing them to do trigonometry. 

As a single sex school survivor, I’ll tell you how to make it through.

1. Ditch the preconceived notions. Just because there aren’t any boys around doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s open season on your sanity. Not all girls are catty Eve Harrington-types hellbent on stealing your life, or making your high school experience as miserable as possible, so before thinking yourself into a hole, think about all the great potential friendships you could make. Some of my closest friends (to this day) are the people I met in kindergarten at Havergal, or randomly in the halls at BSS.

2. Get involved. Many all girls schools boast about the sheer amount of extra curricular activities available for students…so…why not get involved? You could discover a potential passion for robotics, film, or even Model UN if you just stick your name on that sign up sheet.

3. Don’t worry about boys. Since going to an all girls school, and then attending a co-ed university, I noticed a marked difference in the way that girls interacted. In my high school classes, girls were unafraid to speak their opinions, and strove to be the ones with the highest grades, the most hand-raises, which fostered a competitive yet supportive environment that was conducive to learning. In university? Not so much. It got depressing that boys dominated the conversations (even when they were wrong), and I yearned to return to my nerd cocoon. Worrying that guys will think you’re weird for being intelligent, well spoken, and passionate about something isn’t…well, uh, something you should worry about. I hate to go all older sister on you, but seriously, guys at this age don’t know a good thing even if she walked up to them and said “Hi, I’m a good thing, how’s it hanging?”– so don’t feel the need to develop a persona outside of school that isn’t you in order to seem “attractive”. 

4. If you do get into drama, know that it doesn’t last forever. I’m not going to sugar coat things and say that attending an all girls school was one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had–there were friend break ups, there were disputes. Actually, there was a whole ton of stupid bullshit. Yet, the thing to keep in mind is when everyone’s hormones are on the fritz, and everything seems like it’s life or death, sometimes the crap can hit the proverbial fan. If it happens? Take a deep breath, listen to some Hole, and practice the exceptionally hard, yet exceptionally necessary art of “not giving a fuck”. Works wonders, I assure you.

5. Support each other. High school is HARD. Don’t make it any harder for yourself or other people.

6. You CAN make dude friends. It’s possible. While I wasn’t a fan of attending high school dances, there are a ton of activities where you can meet guys who may just become your closest friends for life. Whether it’s going to a debate tournament, or just hanging with some of your closest friends at the movies.

7. You don’t need to a bitch to survive. Some people think that the only way to make it out alive is to kill, or be killed. When really, the only thing you need to kill is the negativity. Just do the things that you like, and surround yourself with positive people who challenge, inspire, and appreciate you.

8. Don’t wear bright nail polish. They’ll send you to the office for nail polish remover. Take my advice… just don’t.

How to Effectively Yell at a Friend (While Saving Your Own Sanity)

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Sometimes you just have to confront a friend. Whether they’ve been careless with your feelings, or someone else’s—there may be times that you may feel tempted to yell it out. While it is indeed hilarious to come armed with “throwing wine” Real Housewives style, we can assure you that the vindication you feel in the moment will only be followed up with a big, steaming pile of regret. Sound good? We didn’t think so. So before you decide to go at it, here are a five tips on how to fight fair.

1.    Take some time to cool down after the initial incident.  Even if your response was to say “Dude, WTF?”, if it’s an issue that’s truly a point of contention in your friendship, take some time to really think about what you want to say before you do anything else.

2.    Realize that conflict is natural. Though it might be devastating in the heat of the moment, it’s perfectly okay to be at odds with your pal. As much as friendship is all about living in a certain symbiotic harmony with one another, it’s also about making sure that each of you derive strength from your bond, as well from yourselves. Often, we don’t realize when we’re being tools—but with a good friend to call you out on it, you’ll learn and grow.

3.    Put Yourself in Their Shoes. A little empathy can go a long way. For instance, if a friend blew you off—before you go all Medea on them (and their unborn children), ask a couple questions. Then gauge the appropriate level of rage.

4.    I Feel Statements.  For anyone who’s spent copious amounts of time in therapy (or watched a shitton of Oprah), framing arguments around “I feel” statements does wonders for helping the other person understand your thought process. When you do have that dreaded conversation, it comes off as less accusative. And generally, most friends won’t dismiss your feelings around a situation.

5.    Let them Talk. Usually, when we’re fighting with someone we care about, we have a tendency to construct a maudlin monologue about all of the injustices they have done to us. Though this works in the movies, very rarely does this ever pan out in real life. It’s important to maintain that your bond with your pal is built on a foundation of honest, open dialogue. If you come to a solution together, consider your friendship strengthened!

If none of this works, by all means—bring on the throwing wine.

When You and a Friend Start to Drift Apart

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The way it goes when you lose a friend is just like how Nick Campbell loses his fortune in The Sun Also Rises. Gradually, then suddenly. The person who listened kindly to your 3AM rantings, who soothed your savage wounds, now seems to function primarily in the past tense.

When you do speak, it’ll be more like “Remember when we…”, or “that one time that we…” than “let’s meet here”, or “let’s go there”. 

It may not be you, it might just be you. It’s really hard to tell. When the phone calls stop, and the hang outs wane, it can seem as if your whole world is caving in.  Losing a friend is worse than any break up because it stays with you longer. Implicit in a romantic-break up is the expectation that eventually you’ll fill the void with someone else. With friendships, you’re losing something so specific that you begin to worry that you’ll never find something quite like it ever again. Lost friendships are like the crumpled receipts you keep in the bottom of your purse; you’ll forget about them for a while, but every so often you’ll rummage through. You’ll uncrinkle a small, smudged sheet and the memories will hit.

It feels really shitty, to say the least. 

Offering positive advice on how to deal, aside from the usual platitudes (you have other friends! you’ll get over it!) seems a tad disingenuous. If you’re here, you probably are looking for someone to understand. And we get it, it’s rough, and it feels like you might just vomit inside your shoes, and hide out in your room and never come out for days upon days. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel a pit in your stomach every time you see a former friend; it’s okay to want to send them email upon email asking what went wrong, how you can fix it, and telling them how much you need and love them. 

Don’t. As a veteran of many an overwrought, over-composed email, you’ll feel worse in the morning. Ditto revenge, or an e-blast. It may work out for Amanda Clarke/Emily Thorne or Blair Waldorf, but certainly not for you––the rawness you feel now will be amplified. So much of your choice of action comes from an imagined outcome, and what happens is almost never what you intended. 

Instead, feel what you feel. Realize that the loss you’re experiencing isn’t stupid, or weird, or whatever––but rather a perfectly normal reaction to a deeply upsetting event. It’s hard to say what you should do next, besides the obvious “don’t do this!” I hear that tea and crying helps. I hear that reading positivity blogs helps. Same with blaring Brand New until your ears can’t register most sound for the next hour and a half.

For me, Joan Didion, Simone Weil, and Anne Carson have been the most helpful. They might help you, but only if you’re bookish. What these literary powerhouses all have in common is their odd interaction, and near-blind acceptance of loss. Realizing that desire, and love, and the emotions that swirl around these two feelings can be a very illusory real is somehow comforting. Knowing that the loss you feel will happen to you over, and over––and maybe you’re just born with it feels, less lonely––more human. 

Image courtesy of Red Star Ink on Etsy.