The first time it happened, we were on his basement floor, and I had just skipped the last half of my Data Management class. You would expect these things to be a little more romantic, but we only had a little time.
Though it probably lasted no more than a minute, it was the longest minute of my entire life. Throughout the entire…ordeal (it was painful to say the least), I was expecting that the experience would change me, that I would emerge from it brand new––an actual woman, instead of this weird, half girleen––that then I would be privy to membership into a super secret female club, where one learns the mechanics of seduction. I’d instinctively know how to bat my eyelashes, and bite my lip––and how to top this all off with a half-bored, heavy-lidded hair flip. The thrill of being a woman soon was too much for me to contain.
Then he stopped. Just like that. He stopped.
After gruffly lifting himself off of me, he flopped over. Nonchalantly, he said, “That wasn’t so bad, I don’t know why people freak out about that.”
And then he checked his email.
I couldn’t help but feel skinned-knee raw, a little too exposed––the complete opposite of what a newly initiated sex kitten should feel like.
I wasn’t expecting the fireworks and tenderness that movies and TV depicting teen sex seem to be so fond of; I wasn’t expecting magic. Okay, maybe a little magic––but enough to make me feel transformed, instead of used.
Here’s the thing: losing your virginity is as big as you make it. It can be as small as biting your nails, as innocuous as peeling off a scab––or it can be this gigantic production with lights, camera, and TONS of action (bad joke, I know.)
A couple things to remember before you do the deed:
Know that you’re ready. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do. A person who isn’t respectful of your own needs isn’t someone that you should be sleeping with (trust me on this one, it’ll save you a lot of crap to deal with).
If you’re not ready, that’s okay too. Sex doesn’t make you an adult. Truth be told, I don’t know precisely what makes you an “adult”, but don’t feel like sex will make you magically mature, or something like that. Also, if they’re giving you the “if you loved me, you would” schpiel, I know it’s super hard to kick them to the curb….but seriously, kick them to the mother effing curb, because that’s manipulative behavior. The sooner you learn to create boundaries and stick to them, the easier it will be for you to get out of negative situations, should they arrive. That being said, if your partner is a little hesitant about engaging in sexual activity, don’t pressure them either.
Be prepared. I know this is the icky part, but before you have sex (and after you have sex), get tested! Just to get into the swing of things.
Bring protection. Pretty much self explanatory. Anyone who tries to convince you not to use condoms, or other barrier methods is an asshole. Case closed.
Get up to speed on enthusiastic consent. When it’s your first time, you and your partner may feel like going through the motions of sexual activity based on examples of sex you may have read about, talked about, or seen. A great way to ensure that your first sexual experience is more than satisfactory is to TALK ABOUT IT. Don’t be afraid to ask questions like, “is it okay if I [insert thing you want to do to their body here]”, or “is it okay if you [insert thing you want them to do to your body here]”. Don’t be afraid to have a conversation either before, or during the encounter regarding your expectations/wants. It’ll definitely take the anxiety off of both you and your partner. During sex, don’t be afraid to check in, and expect your partner to do the same. If it seems like your partner is checking out physically, or emotionally––stop. It’s okay to resume sex at a later time.
Worry about your emotions. If you’re anything like me (which I sincerely hope you aren’t, because it’ll save you BUNDLES in therapy fees), no matter what the circumstances were that led you to having the sex, even if it’s in a committed relationship, you’ll automatically begin to freak out about the “meaning” behind it. So if you’re like that, and frantically consulting Yahoo Answers for a neatly packaged answer to your emotional dilemmas, be sure you’ve got some strategies in place for dealing with the post sex feelings brigade. Whether it’s an album you listen to, or a friend you can call…or the number of a very good psychologist, have your bases covered. Or, y’know, you can just email me.
Having sex does not make you a loose, wanton woman. Repeat with me. HAVING SEX DOES NOT MAKE YOU A SLUT. And not having sex doesn’t make you a prude, uptight, or frigid. It just makes you a sentient human being capable of making decisions with your body.
Check out your options. Contraceptive devices come in all shapes and sizes. Get thee to a Planned Parenthood, sexual health clinic, gynaecologist, or even your family doctor (if you aren’t embarrassed), to talk about the best birth control for you.
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