Author Archives: Monica

Badass Women from History: Mae West

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Can we start this week by saying: MAE WEST 4EVER. You’ve probably already heard of her, so I’m sure I don’t need to preface this by saying Mae was an American actress, playwright, screenwriter and famous wit whose sexy career lasted over 70 years.

She’s been the subject of countless books, films and magazine articles, and Salvador Dali made a surrealist sofa based on her lips. She was a worldwide sex symbol who today would wear a size 14/16 dress. Must I go on? This lady rules.

Mae was born at home in Brooklyn, NY in 1893, the oldest daughter of John Patrick West (aka Battlin’ Jack West the prizefighter) and Matilda Doelger, a corset model. Her parents were immigrants who had come to America from Bavaria years before, and both were encouraging of her dreams of stardom. West began performing at the age of five, dancing and singing at church socials, before moving to amateur shows and talent contests at the ripe old age of seven. This being the earliest bit of the 20th century, and child labour laws being more or less nonexistent, it’s unsurprising that she started properly working in vaudeville shows at fourteen, under the stage name Baby Mae. But before you think this is another Toddlers in Tiaras disaster, please know that Mae West had one of the most varied acts on the circuit, trying out different personas including, most interestingly, a male impersonator. (She also had a character that dressed in blackface, which is reprehensible but more a sign of the times than of any racist beliefs on Mae’s part… indeed in later life, when her apartment building wouldn’t allow her black boyfriend to visit her, she shoved their racist ways in their faces by buying the building and letting him move in. Take that, segregation!)

But Mae wasn’t just a pretty vaudeville face. She started writing saucy plays under the pen name Jane Mast and broke onto Broadway with a play simply titled Sex that she wrote, directed, produced and starred in, w/e. And which was subsequently kicked off broadway when the theatre was raided and the cast arrested. Mae spent eight days in prison for “corrupting the morals of the youth,” which, LOL guys, they knew what sex was before they went to see a BROADWAY PLAY about it, but anyway, whatever. Undaunted, she wrote many more plays that dealt frankly and bawdily with sex, gender, and sexuality, including The Drag, a play barred from performance for being pro-gay in message.

For those keeping score at home, that is five careers in, and we’re about to add a few more. After being given a bit part in a feature film in 1932, Mae was bummed out. Used to being the star, she insisted that they let her rewrite what few lines she had. Her little chunk of cinema stole the show. Said the director: ”She stole everything but the cameras.” God damn, everyone was so witty back then. Her movie career continued, and by 1935 she was the second-highest paid person in the United States (!!!!).

When her film fame had abated slightly she returned to Broadway, writing three consecutive shows that involved her performing surrounded by young male body buliders. Still later, she recorded multiple “rock and roll” albums, including one called “Wild Christmas” … are we all in agreement yet that this woman is perfect? Her last film was written by her in 1978, and because she was constantly changing the script, her lines were FED TO HER THROUGH A TINY SPEAKER CONCEALED IN HER WIG. She’s perfect.

West did a few more live shows in Vegas in her later years, all of which also featured important roles for muscled men, including Chester Rybonski, a former Mr. California 30 years her junior whom she lived with from age 61 until her death on November 22, 1980, at age 87. In addition to this long-term love affair, she had at least two secret marriages and numerous other romantic involvements in her day. But aside from the men and the dresses and the signature walk based on drag queens of the early 1900s (I know, right?), she’s probably best known for her aphorisms, so I thought I’d leave you with some of the sauciest, snarkiest, most badass things she is quoted as saying:

  1. To err is human — but it feels divine
  2.  I don’t like myself, I’m crazy about myself.
  3. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (SHE INVENTED THIS GUYYYYS)
  4. You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.

Like I said, MAE WEST 4EVER!

Bad Ass Woman from History: Real-Life Mad Woman and author of Sex and the Single Girl Helen Gurley Brown

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For someone with the surname Gurley, this lady is 100% grown woman. Our first still-alive badass, Gurley Brown is sort of a contentious figure. She’s somewhat of a divisive character amongst second and third-wave feminists, but for better or for worse, everyone can agree that she is a big deal.

Born February 18, 1922, Helen Gurley’s smalltown childhood was marked with tragedy—when she was ten, her father Ira died in an elevator accident… an elevator accident, guys. That’s the worst. But her mother and sisters stuck together and moved to California, powering through until Gurley graduated from Woodbury Business College in 1941.

A woman in a male-dominated field, Gurley went full Mad Men on Los Angeles, working for a variety of creative agencies as a secretary. Finally, Peggy Olson-style, she was discovered by an associate at Foote, Cone & Belding, and promoted to copywriter. It’s hard not to think Matthew Weiner’s character owes a pretty huge debt to Gurley: the secretary-turned-copywriter straight up TOOK OVER FCB and by the end of the 1960s she was one of the highest paid advertizing writers in the US.

Around the end of the 60s she also met and married her husband, Hollywood producer David Brown, to whom she was happily married for over 50 years. You’ll note Ms. Gurley was in her late 30s when she got married—that would probably be considered “late” to get married nowadays, but in the 50s it made her more or less officially an old maid, which obviously is insane. She agreed. Thus her 1962 bestseller Sex and the Single Girl, an advice book that diverged from the dicta of the day by suggesting that women get financially and sexually independent, taking care of their wallets and sex lives how they wanted.

The ladies of the sexual revolution were all “preaaaach!” and the book sold 2 million copies in three weeks. Sure, nowadays the book is a bit dated, with tips for having a “Sexy Kitchen” (???) and do-it-yourself facial hair bleach advice, but the premise is sound—a lady needs to be able to take care of herself alone so that she can be on an equal footing in a relationship. Pretty forward-thinking stuff for the early 60s, although as we all know things got pretty sessy and cray by the end of that decade.

In 1965 Gurley became the ed-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, turning things around for the struggling women’s mag. She remains the international editor for 59 different editions of Cosmo. She and her husband established the “David and Helen Gurley Brown Institute for Media Innovation” with a $30 million donation (!!!!) to Columbia and Stanford.

While a lot of feminists have problems with the “you can have it all, ladies” approach that Gurley Brown applied to her writing, life and magazine legacy, you gotta admit, she kind of did.

Badass Women from History: Ahhotep I

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So, okay, this badass woman from history was both wife and sister to Pharaoh Seqenenre Tao, which, obviously, is too bad. Hwoever, if we have learned anything from Game of Thrones, it is that weird familial relationships definitely happened back in the day, and that they don’t always preclude someone being a good mother or loving wife. … I don’t know what I’m saying, this is a bad start. Let’s try again.

Ahhotep I, who was married to a Pharaoh and it’s none of our business how else they were related, was born some time around 1560 BCE, which makes her our oldest badass to date! She also had a long (for the time period, she actually only lived til about 30… eat your vitamins guys! Bathe regularly and enjoy modern medicine!), storied life. She has also caused some academic controv by being one of several Ahhoteps, each with their own fancy coffin and interesting life history.

A well-behaved and responsible Queen, Ahhotep’s first duty was to provide Egypt with heirs—and she sure did, giving birth to Pharaoh Ahmose I, and six other Egyptian princes and princesses, most of whom were also named Ahmose. But beyond the regular wife/mother routine, Ahhotep became a defender of her people: when her husband was killed in battle against the Hyksos, Ahhotep stepped forward and held off the invaders until her son was of age to lead the army. A stele—fancy archaeology word for large piece of stone or wood… think chilled-out obelisks—in a temple at Karnak says of her victory:

“The king’s wife, the noble lady, who knew everything, assembled Kemet. She looked after what her Sovereign had established. She guarded it. She assembled her fugitives. She brought together her deserters. She pacified her Upper Egyptians. She subdued her rebels, The king´s wife Ahhotep given life”.

Don’t even get me started on how cool it is that this piece of stone-carving still exists in the world, thousands and thousands of years after this woman and her entire dynasty have passed. Ladyfriends, don’t get tattoos. Consider a well-placed stele as a lasting testament to your favourite band/inspirational phrase/ill-advised boyfriend. Much cooler than a tramp stamp.

After losing 2 out of 5 Ahmoses in battle, Ahhotep’s people finally got it together and drove out their invaders for good, at which point the Ahmose in charge headed out to Nubia to reclaim some lost land. Hyksos sympathizers were all “now’s our chance!” and tried to sneak back into Ahhotep’s territory, only to be driven back by the Queen who knew everything, OBV. Her son was pretty embarrassed about it, and invented the world’s first mother’s day (not really) by presenting Ahhotep with the ‘golden flies of valour’ and a slew of other priceless jewellery. Kind of makes your macaroni card feel stingy, huh?

Though her original tomb was never found, this Egyptian queen, whose name means “the Moon is satisfied”, was apparently laid to rest in full pharaoh style, with an ornate sarcophagus and surrounded by all her worldly goods. Again, though, forget the flies of valour guys. That stele is where it’s at. The moon is satisfied indeed.

Tweet your suggestions for badass women to @monicaheisey!

Badass Woman From History: Nellie Bly/Elizabeth Jane Cochrane

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Gather ‘round, history nerds. Today’s badass woman from past is a real doozie. We’re talkin’ Nellie Bly, which is the pen name of 19th century journalist , born in the U.S. of A in 1864.

Bly grew up in a working-class home Pennsylvania, a real girl-y girl in a small mill-town. For a while her nickname was ‘Pinky’ because she wore the colour so much, but eventually she was like “Guys, B SRS,” and forced an end to that, adopting her pen name to respond to a misogynistic column in The Pittsburgh Dispatch when she was 16. The editor of the paper liked the response so much he invited the man who wrote it (cool assumption, bro!) to join the editorial staff, and then tried to back out when he discovered she was female. 

When she finally convinced them to hire her despite her vagina—it’s so hard to write with that thing just chillin’, being part of your body, how DO we do it?!—they tried to shove her off into the “women’s section”, writing about detergents and how to find a husband at university, etc. Eventually she decided enough was enough (fair) and busted off to Mexico at age 21, reporting about the lives and customs of the Mexican people, and particularly the influence of their oppressive government. The dictator-in-charge threatened Bly with arrest, causing her to flee the country a year or so later. “No reporto, gracias” — Porfirio Diaz

Back in America, Bly pulled an intellectual Carrie Bradshaw and moved into her own place in New York City, where she took an undercover assignment at Joseph Pulitzer’s newspaper (NBD), pretending to be insane so as to investigate reports of unlivable conditions at a women’s asylum. Her act was so good that many professional doctors professed her uncurably mad, and promptly checked her into the—very gross, very horrible—mental institution. Her exposé caused a media frenzy, brought her professional fame, and led to a USD$850,000 increase in the budget of the Department of Public Charities and Corrections. Nailed it, lady.

But sometimes busting the story of maltreatment of the mentally ill wide open, publishing a popular book, and publicly shaming a flawed medical system just isn’t enough, you know? Bly came up with a (honestly, pretty insane) plan to attempt Jules Verne’s Around the World in Eighty Days journey IRL, pitched it, and set off within two days, bringing a few changes of underwear, £200, and a warm coat. Then, oh my god you guys, THEN, a rival New York newspaper sponsored ANOTHER female reporter to race the OPPOSITE way around the world in a RACE! I swear newspapers would not be in trouble if they were still doing stuff like this. Our girl Nellie won the race, no duh, do not try to copy someone’s idea and then expect to be better than them. (AHEM, everyone after Madonna.)

Okay so later in life Nellie Bly just casually took a job as president of a steel manufacturing company, becoming one of the leading female industrialists of the time. She also married a millionaire who was 40 years her senior, but maybe they really loved each other guys, we don’t know. Her wikipedia page reads “In 1916 Nellie was given a baby boy” (?!?), “whose mother requested Nellie look after him” (???) and who was “illegitimate and difficult to place since he was half-Japanese” (?!?!). So, that happened.  She apparently then became super-interested in orphans and had several adopted children in her care at the time of her death in 1922. This woman has a postage stamp with her face on it, and a train and a theme-park named after her, among other things, and obviously paved the way for romantic comedies of the future and the ever-helpful “YOU WERE DOING THIS FOR A STORY?” plot. Thanks, Nellie!

Know a badass woman from history we should profile? Tweet it to @monicaheisey

Badass Women from History: Boadicea

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Boadicea was a Celtic tribeswoman who lived somewhere between 25-60 AD, and became Queen of the Iceni tribe after marrying Prasutagus, a Chieftain. Aside from these facts, and her EPIC battle achievements which we will talk about momentarily, not much is known about her. There are rumors in historical societies that she had druidic training, and scholarly debate has erupted over the colour of her hair—red? Blonde? Golden-blonde?? Golden red?!? Thousands of years after her death, humans are sitting around in universities passionately arguing about what colour head-suit she was sporting. That’s a pretty wide influence. Although, let’s be real, her hair was probably red. There’s a strong link between badassery and redheadedness, IMO.

The Iceni tribe had lived semi-autonomously alongside that little ol’ empire ANCIENT ROME, and had been allied with them as they slowly spread their settlements along Brittania. However, Prasutagus’ sudden death caused some troubles. The tribe leader had gone rogue in the drafting of his will, creating something totally new: a co-rule clause, dividing his lands and power equally between his children and Rome. Rome was less than jazzed. The big imperialist bullies ignored his will, and began takin’ over. … takin’ over aaaaand enslaving Boadicea’s children, pillaging her cities, calling in Roman loans and bankrupting the tribe. Hey, Rome? Probably a bad idea to mess with a woman whose name literally means “victory”.

Lady B was like “Sorry, what? Probably not, ROME. Tribespeople, we still got that secret weapons store we’ve been stockpiling?” and gathered an army, marching the Iceni and several other outlying tribes through Roman territory in revolt. They tore through Roman encampments and headed for Londinium (not the periodic table’s element for Posh, but London’s ancient Roman name) (har harrr) (#science), which they burned to the ground, leaving a layer of ash and char almost a meter thick, traces of which can still be found underneath modern London today. Emperor Nero—Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus, to be specific—decided that maybe this chick was really serious, and started plans to withdraw all Roman troops from the British Isles.

Tragically, this pre-Xena warrior-Queen was defeated in an important battle before Nero put these plans into action. Boadicea’s army was surprised when Roman forces executed a sneaky ambush and overwhelmed the under-armed forces of the Iceni. While many of the defeated warriors fled, a small contingent of female fighters in chariots fought til the end, protecting their queen, who took her own life with poison rather than fall into Roman hands. She was given a king’s funeral. It is worth remembering that badass and independent though B-money was, she was as cruel as her Roman opponents in battle, burning whole cities to the ground and doing some pretty gross stuff involving the boobs of her enemies and sharp spikes. The ‘60s (AD) were a different time.

While Roman rule continued in Britain for another three hundred years and Boadicea’s people became a part of their empire, the legend of the warrior-Queen inspired (among others) another strong, badass ruler of Britain: Queen Victoria, who referred to Boadicea as her namesake and role model. Although Vic left the breasts of her enemies un-impaled, which just seems polite.

Badass Woman from History: Alexandra David-Néel

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Born just outside of Paris on October 24, 1868, Alexandra David-Néel was an explorer, travel-writer, and spiritualist whose writings held influence with noted cool-dudes the beats, philosopher Alan Watts, and countless others who came into contact with her over-30 published works.

At a young age, Alexandra began to experience wanderlust, traveling independently to England, Switzerland and Spain. By her early twenties she was like “Europe? Seeeeeeeen it.” And headed out for India, returning only once she’d run through all her money. (This is referred to as the Monica Heisey school of travel, and is not actually recommended as it involves lots of post-travel jobs in retail and other circles of Dante’s hell.) She picked up a husband, the railroad engineer Philippe Néel, in Tunis, and lived with him until travel called again in 1911. Though they finally legally separated in 1928, the two remained on good terms and exchanged letters for the rest of their lives, with Philippe supporting Alexandra’s lifestyle. Because that’s the classy way to do it, y’all.

And travel called HARD, you guys. She was invited to the royal monastery of Sikkim, India, where she studied Buddhism, met the crown prince Sidkeong Tulku Namgyal and became his confidante, “spiritual sister”, and, some say, looooooovvvvveeeeeerrrrrrrr. She also met the 13th Dalai Lama not once but TWICE, even though everyone was already freaking out that a woman had chatted with the Dalai Lama just once. #swag

After charming all those foreign dignitaries, she moved into a cave, duh, because what else, where she lived for two years with a young monk named Aphur Yongden. The two studied spirituality, became lifelong travel companions, and eventually family, when Alexandra adopted him. The two performed a stealth mission to visit Tibet, where visits from foreigners were forbidden. They were discovered and forced to leave Sikkim.

Alexandra and her son continued to see the world, checkin’ out Japan during a period of exile from Europe (little old thing called World War I stopped them from heading back). Things get exponentially badass in 1924 when Aphur and Alexandra disguised themselves as pilgrims, traversed ALL OF CHINA from east to west, and then popped back in for a two month illegal jaunt in Tibet. This undercover tourism became a real thing for her, and in 1937 she returned to Tibet via the Soviet Union, staying there during World War II. (Lady knows how to avoid world wars. No wonder Europe held so little appeal, am I right?)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: badass women live longer. Alexandra died at 101 years old, still writing and researching ’til her last days. Her ashes and those of her son were scattered in the Ganges. For a real trippy time, check out her 1958 book: Transcendent Knowledge. Ommmm-M-G.