Author Archives: anonymous

Seminal Spaces: Revisiting the places that define an era

Posted on by
Reply

We sat at the Lakeview, two of my oldest friends and I, reminiscing over hot drinks.

“I’m so glad that we hung out,” one of them says between sips of creamy hot chocolate.

Two days later, I found myself walking around my old, familiar haunts. Tuesday night in Kensington Park—now it’s filled with the fire poi spinners, and the people you probably would buy weed from, if you weren’t already made skittish by the night-time. Here’s where I had my first sips of illegal outdoor gin. Where I met my longest high school relationship, where I used to come in the winter time to sip scalding hot lattes that I’d cobbled together lint stuck pocket change to pay for. Nowadays, I feel uneasy coming here. An almost-lover lives less than a block away from here, and there’s always the fear that when you hang out in someone’s neighbourhood, they’ll start to think you’re stalking them. But I was here first, we were here first, and that’s the thing I keep telling myself when I’m walking around the market, skinny cigarette in hand, carefully staring at my feet with each tread.

It’s funny what happens to us when we come back to those old familiar spaces. I wouldn’t necessarily call it nostalgia, but maybe it is nostalgia. The Portuguese have a word for it: saudade. Described by A.F Bell (and interestingly enough, lifted from Wikipedia, which baby writerleens, is something you must promise me never to do), “”…vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist…a turning towards the past or towards the future.”

It’s a longing to return to the smiles, and the laughter. Maybe even the tears. Because everything is imbued with a certain purity when it’s safely centered in your mind’s eye, it becomes a little safer to experience it all over again. 

A lot of people say that your teenage years are the best years of your life (note: they also say this about college, your twenties, and your golden years, so I’m unsure if it’s in fact that your entire life is “the best years of your life,” or whether they’re blatantly lying to cover up the fact that throughout those times you’ll be pimply, poor, or suffering from severe bouts of incontinence…sooooo….) , and I guess in a way they sort of are. You don’t really have anything holding you back. Well, you might, but because everything is heightened by love and punk rock, you feel that for just an instant you can capture that unbearable weightlessness that everyone keeps talking about.

You’ll make the friends that’ll define an era for you. You’ll listen to the bands, and read the books that’ll refine you. You’ll get into scrapes and discover small pockets of strength that you thought you never had–and when shit hits the fan, as it inevitably does, you’ll either find a will to live that you didn’t think existed when you were crying on subways in the wintertime; or your found family will be the buoy that will help you keep your head above water. You’ll make art with these people, you’ll memorize equations with them–play sports, have spontaneous fits of creativity, you’ll have tearful fights, you’ll swear that you’ll never speak to some of them again. You’ll kiss them, break their hearts, they’ll break your heart, you’ll hold them closer than you ever thought you could hold another person. Those alleyways, park benches, and wherever else you go, they’ll become like a heartbeat; they’ll keep you alive, even if you forget their importance after a while.

Moments and experiences rarely ever reoccur, if only to make space for the new ones, but you’ll always have a few on hand if you need them. If possible, you can revisit those places and those people from time to time, you can remember the roots that you’ve firmly planted. No matter how much you’ve changed, no matter how much you think you may have fucked up, no matter where you go, it is possible to go home again: even if it’s just for a minute in your head.

When You Feel Isolated

Posted on by
Reply

It’s hard not to feel paranoid. It’s hard not to feel like everyone’s staring at the layers underneath your skin. Missed calls accumulate, you begin to feel like people are purposefully ignoring you, and your inbox seems deader than a Mayan civilization. 

That feeling in the pit of your stomach? The one that feels like it’s wrenching somewhere deep between your heart and your brain? That’s the sadness talking. You may feel abnormal, you may feel like the entire world is this sunny space—everything except for you. But please let me tell you that it’s normal. 

A lot of people treat negative emotions as something that need to be stamped out as quickly as possible. Unhappiness, or the inability to feel bright and sparkly when you should, is something that we hand out quick fixes for, all too liberally. We feel like there should always be a friend to call, or an engagement to attend, or that we should always be la-la-la-la loved, because that’s what television and movies promise us. The company line is that you’re supposed to have your rag tag crew who will put up with you no matter what, for ever and ever and ever. 

It might be you, it might be them, but everyone has a limit for what they can take, and for whatever reason, you might find yourself feeling isolated from your tribe.

There’s no one set way  to deal with it.  It’s probably best if you don’t explode on people, even though you may want to. But don’t just box your negative feelings away. Talk to a pet, your diary, or even your parents, because they may just understand exactly where you’re coming from. 

Try something new. A hobby, a sport, a new restaurant (yes, you can go to restaurants alone!), or even a new book. The goal is to shock and scare yourself out of the complacency and loneliness you feel.

Paint your nails. Master the hand that you’re shaky with, or even try mastering that ombre nail art technique.

You’re probably not as isolated as you think. Often, we feel that there’s a group of friends that we just HAVE to be friends with, for whatever reason. Chances are, these people aren’t making you happy and vice versa. But you may have some other friends you have been neglecting who really miss you. Find your Betty Finn, Veronica Sawyer.

Go for a run or a swim. It’s like punching air or water. Seriously.

Just be. So often, it’s like we need a quick fix for any intolerable emotion, but sometimes if you just exist in your loneliness for five seconds, radically accept it, it may just evaporate from whence it came.

When you need some space

Posted on by
Reply

Sometimes you need space. Sometimes hanging with the same people becomes too much to handle. You begin to know them well, too well in fact, and it becomes necessary to take a breather. Like clockwork, friend A will cancel on you, and friend B will forget to pay you back for dinner. It may not necessarily be at that toxic stage, but it’s beginning to grate on you.

The reasons for why don’t seem nearly important as the essential truth that yes, you need to get away, It’s hard to temporarily ice someone out without doing some lasting damage. People are fickle chemicals, under the right conditions they can become volatile. But life’s too short to feel social stress, and I guess the only person that you really owe anything to is yourself (and your mother. Unless your mother is Joan Crawford, and in that case, you’ll need another self-help article entirely). You might feel scared to say what you want to say, but chances are, life will be scarier if you don’t say it. I was walking home with a friend the other night, concerned about another social matter entirely, and she told me this little gem: “If they can’t deal with you being yourself, then you’ll always be unhappy.”

Part of being yourself is defining your boundaries, setting limits to what you will and won’t take. It may seem noble or brave (or even at times tough) to believe that you can take everything, but there comes a time when you can’t, and when that moment comes, you’ll do one of two things: implode or explode.

If you need space, sit them down, grab them a coffee (or a hot chocolate), and take a deep breath. Emphasize your desire to keep this friendship (or relationship) going. Reassure them that it isn’t over (unless it actually is), but that you need to disappear for a while to, as reality show starlets say, “just do you.” Depending on the closeness of your relationship, you may be able to (nicely!) tell your friend why you’ve decided to take a breather. Don’t forget those ‘I feel’ statements, and speaking from a place of concern, rather than a place of blame. This isn’t about telling them that they need to change, it’s about expressing that you need to take some time for yourself.

Then breathe. You’ve done the hardest part. Maybe not.

The toughest part may just be figuring out what to do next.

Image via someecards.com

When You’re the Annoying Friend

Posted on by
Reply

Confession time––you know that irksome, mildly neurotic (and always referencing the fact that yes, they’re mildly neurotic), thinks-it’s-cute-but-it-really-isn’t friend that we all seem to have at one time or another? Well…that’s me.

I send way too many text messages, have a penchant for being incredibly loud, self-flagellating, and yeah, I’m that asshole who thinks that they’ve got a knack for un-subtle comedy.

Sound familiar? Because that might be you, too. Have you been noticing that your social invitations are dwindling? That your close buds seem to be keeping you at arm’s length? That you’re even starting to get tired of your own shtick?

If you have answered yes to at least one of these questions, you may just be an “annoying friend”.

“Annoying” friends come in all shapes and sizes. It could be the drama queen who always needs someone to fix her crises, the compulsive over sharer, an overbearing know it all, or just a flake. For those of you who are quick to identify the people in your life as “annoying”––keep in mind that for the most part, us social irritators don’t mean any harm, it’s just the way we’re wired. But still, don’t give us a free pass for our behavior if it’s compromising your happiness in any way.

That being said, I’m not here to tell you how to deal with your guileless pal.

There are so many self help guides written for people who wish to get rid of their “toxic” friends, or their “annoying” friends, but when it comes to being the annoying friend––having the entire internet (and not just your friends list) dread your presence can get pretty alienating. Here’s what you can do if you’re starting to feel the sting of social isolation.

1. Practice radical self-awareness. Some people are born so cripplingly self aware that they don’t need to practice this first step––they need to find a good therapist; however, if you’ve been accused of being careless, or thoughtless on numerous occasions, it might be a good idea to develop some self-concept. If you don’t already keep a diary, start doing that. In some entries, try writing your day from the perspective of one of your friends, your significant other, your siblings or parents. You’ll quickly learn what habits you need to break, and where you can improve.

2. Discern whether it’s really you, or just them. Everyone has a limit to what they can tolerate from others. You may have unfortunately hit that person’s limit. If it’s a group of people that you’re on the outs with, that may be a sign that it’s time to make some changes, or maybe find some new friends who appreciate your idiosyncrasies as they are.

3. Ask a friend. Sometimes just asking straight up for an opinion works wonders.

4. Think before you share. Some people may find the inner workings of your bowel movements to be utterly fascinating. These people are called gastroenterologists. Your best friend doesn’t need to know that you’ve been incapable of taking a shit for the past four days. So put the iPhone down.

5. Stop with the self-involvement, already. Well, I mean, not entirely––because who else will indulge you? But, if you’re finding that your friendship revolves solely around you––it’s time that you started putting in a little extra effort with your pal.

6. Spend some time with yourself. Especially if you’re sad, or upset about something. Rather than verbally vomiting, try making a hospitable place for yourself inside of your thoughts. Try sitting still with them for a day or two before putting them out on full blast for everyone to hear.

7. Get a hobby. You may make some new friends, and it gives you something else to do.

8. Change what you can change, accept what you can’t. After all, you don’t need to become a whole new person––just someone who’s aware of how their actions impact others.

Losing Yr Virginity

Posted on by
Reply

The first time it happened, we were on his basement floor, and I had just skipped the last half of my Data Management class. You would expect these things to be a little more romantic, but we only had a little time.

Though it probably lasted no more than a minute, it was the longest minute of my entire life. Throughout the entire…ordeal (it was painful to say the least), I was expecting that the experience would change me, that I would emerge from it brand new––an actual woman, instead of this weird, half girleen––that then I would be privy to membership into a super secret female club, where one learns the mechanics of seduction. I’d instinctively know how to bat my eyelashes, and bite my lip––and how to top this all off with a half-bored, heavy-lidded hair flip. The thrill of being a woman soon was too much for me to contain. 

Then he stopped. Just like that. He stopped. 

After gruffly lifting himself off of me, he flopped over. Nonchalantly, he said, “That wasn’t so bad, I don’t know why people freak out about that.”

And then he checked his email.

I couldn’t help but feel skinned-knee raw, a little too exposed––the complete opposite of what a newly initiated sex kitten should feel like.

I wasn’t expecting the fireworks and tenderness that movies and TV depicting teen sex seem to be so fond of; I wasn’t expecting magic. Okay, maybe a little magic––but enough to make me feel transformed, instead of used.

Here’s the thing: losing your virginity is as big as you make it. It can be as small as biting your nails, as innocuous as peeling off a scab––or it can be this gigantic production with lights, camera, and TONS of action (bad joke, I know.)

A couple things to remember before you do the deed:

Know that you’re ready. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do. A person who isn’t respectful of your own needs isn’t someone that you should be sleeping with (trust me on this one, it’ll save you a lot of crap to deal with).

If you’re not ready, that’s okay too. Sex doesn’t make you an adult. Truth be told, I don’t know precisely what makes you an “adult”, but don’t feel like sex will make you magically mature, or something like that. Also, if they’re giving you the “if you loved me, you would” schpiel, I know it’s super hard to kick them to the curb….but seriously, kick them to the mother effing curb, because that’s manipulative behavior. The sooner you learn to create boundaries and stick to them, the easier it will be for you to get out of negative situations, should they arrive. That being said, if your partner is a little hesitant about engaging in sexual activity, don’t pressure them either.

Be prepared. I know this is the icky part, but before you have sex (and after you have sex), get tested! Just to get into the swing of things.

Bring protection. Pretty much self explanatory. Anyone who tries to convince you not to use condoms, or other barrier methods is an asshole. Case closed. 

Get up to speed on enthusiastic consent. When it’s your first time, you and your partner may feel like going through the motions of sexual activity based on examples of sex you may have read about, talked about, or seen. A great way to ensure that your first sexual experience is more than satisfactory is to TALK ABOUT IT. Don’t be afraid to ask questions like, “is it okay if I [insert thing you want to do to their body here]”, or “is it okay if you [insert thing you want them to do to your body here]”. Don’t be afraid to have a conversation either before, or during the encounter regarding your expectations/wants. It’ll definitely take the anxiety off of both you and your partner. During sex, don’t be afraid to check in, and expect your partner to do the same. If it seems like your partner is checking out physically, or emotionally––stop. It’s okay to resume sex at a later time.

Worry about your emotions. If you’re anything like me (which I sincerely hope you aren’t, because it’ll save you BUNDLES in therapy fees), no matter what the circumstances were that led you to having the sex, even if it’s in a committed relationship, you’ll automatically begin to freak out about the “meaning” behind it. So if you’re like that, and frantically consulting Yahoo Answers for a neatly packaged answer to your emotional dilemmas, be sure you’ve got some strategies in place for dealing with the post sex feelings brigade. Whether it’s an album you listen to, or a friend you can call…or the number of a very good psychologist, have your bases covered. Or, y’know, you can just email me.

Having sex does not make you a loose, wanton woman. Repeat with me. HAVING SEX DOES NOT MAKE YOU A SLUT. And not having sex doesn’t make you a prude, uptight, or frigid. It just makes you a sentient human being capable of making decisions with your body.

Check out your options. Contraceptive devices come in all shapes and sizes. Get thee to a Planned Parenthood, sexual health clinic, gynaecologist, or even your family doctor (if you aren’t embarrassed), to talk about the best birth control for you. 

Unmade Bed vintage polaroid photograph,  $28 on Etsy from Photege.